Shocking New Twist for CBS-TV's Survivor Franchise?

Survivor has been to China, Australia and the Fiji islands. We've had Survivor All-Stars and now it's Fans vs. Favorites. What's next for Survivor fans? Are big changes in store for the CBS-TV franchise?

In what is being touted as “the most shocking version of Survivor ever produced,” a group of network executives are preparing to unveil a twist they say will push contestants to the “absolute breaking point.”

“It will be beyond anything you’ve ever seen on reality TV,” bragged CBS Co-Executive Producer Harold Heckuba. “The challenges will make previous editions of “Survivor” look like child’s play.”

The new series, tentatively dubbed, “Suburban Survivor,“ will be set in an average American suburb. Contestants--chosen from residents of the area--will compete for a two million dollar cash prize by negotiating a series of typical suburban obstacles.

Although exact details are being kept tightly under wraps, challenges are rumored to include:

- A “Wal-Mart” themed contest in which castaways will drive a new, unmarred SUV into a crowded Wal-Mart parking lot. After dodging loose shopping carts and inattentive pedestrians, competitors will be required to find a parking spot within twenty feet of the door. Inside the store, they’ll search for sale items from a handwritten shopping list while simultaneously toting unfed, screaming babies in each arm. After paying for the items by check without I.D., contestants will fight off a gang of overzealous girl scout cookie sellers before returning the SUV to a designated starting point.

-A freeway challenge in which survivors in a Chevrolet Geo will be required to maintain the posted speed limit in the left lane of a crowded rush hour roadway while being mercilessly tailgated by an over-caffeinated truck driver with a skull and crossbones flag on his front grill, while at the same time discussing the details of a disputed charge on the their VISA card and balancing a hot jumbo Starbucks latte between their knees.

-A neighborhood contest in which challengers will be required to roller blade through the evening streets of a densely settled, upper class community while listening to an iPod programmed only with 1980’s musical hits. Obstacles along the way will include small dogs nipping at the ankles, bouncing plastic hockey pucks and a dense shroud of smoke from backyard grills

“Everything you see will be 100% real,” said Heckuba. “There will be no special effects or stunt men. This will be the ultimate in reality TV.”

Producers say they decided to offer a TWO million dollar prize, instead of the customary one million, because “In today’s suburbs, with Hummers and hot tubs and pools and everything, a million doesn’t go as far as it used to.”

Air dates have not been set.

(The above story is completely satirical. Under no circumstances should you believe a word of it.)

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