Controversy Swirls Around New Batch of Bible Archaeology Artifacts

In his new book, "The Lost Ark of the Covenant: Solving the 2,500 Year Old Mystery of the Fabled Biblical Ark," Tudor Parfitt claims to have uncovered new clues to the location of the biblical Ark Of The Covenant. For Biblical archaeologists, Parfitt's book is just more fuel for the fire. Still reeling from the discord over the authenticity of the St. James Ossuary (a first century bone box purportedly containing the bones of the Apostle James), scholars are looking at new discoveries with an increasingly skeptical eye.

"If were are to maintain our credibility within both the scholarly and faith communities, we must maintain the highest standards of scientific method and historic provenance," said Hiram Philmore, curator of the Bible Lands Museum and Pro Wrestling Camp in Kissimmee, Florida. "And when experts can't agree, there's always a good choke hold."

Among the new artifacts that have come under scrutiny:

CONTENTS OF THE ARK OF THE COVENANT - As astonished as archaeologists were to hear of one Arkansas man's claim--that he had the Biblical Ark of the Covenant stored in his attic--they were doubly astounded by what he claims to have found inside the holy relic. "Two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts, fresh as the day they were made," says Alvin Tuttle, a Little Rock odor elimination expert. Tuttle, who claims to have inherited the Ark from his great-grandfather, says the Ark has "just been sitting up there in the attic, gathering dust" for many years. "After I saw 'Raiders of the Lost Ark,' I wasn't too anxious to mess around with it," he explained. Things changed last month however, when Tuttle's wife began making a fuss about needing more room to store her Dept. 56 collection. "I decided, what the heck, let's pry 'er open and have a look." Tuttle claims the doughnuts he found inside were "soft and delicious." But they were all the original glazed--"not a creme-filled in the lot."

"It appears manna may not have been the only thing the Israelis had to look forward to in the desert," says Samuel Flannagan, a self-proclaimed Bible expert and procurer of the internet web site, BIBLE FINDS TODAY. "Whether this is the actual Ark, honestly I'm not so sure. It's nothing like I'd pictured it. The wheels are wobbly, and I'm suspicious of the racing stripe down the middle. But the doughnuts are real, there's no doubt about that. I may not be an ark expert, but I do know my Krispy Kremes!"

NOAH'S ARK MASSAGE CHAIR - Carefully excavated from three feet of crumbly loam near the base of Mt. Ararat, Turkey, hopeful Noah's Ark scholars instantly deemed this black-padded recliner with built-in "massaging fingers" a relic from the the deck of Noah's Ark. "The man had a lot of responsibility," points out researcher Anthony John, one of the chair's staunch proponents. "It's only natural to assume that God provided a place for him to relax during his many months afloat." Critics, however, point to a "Sharper Image" label found on the underside of the chair as proof-positive that the chair didn't belong to Noah. "I doubt Noah shopped at 'The Sharper Image,'" says one skeptic. "I understand he was an IKEA fan."

SIGNED PHOTO OF KING SOLOMON - Researchers are questioning the claims of a Minnesota man who says he owns what may be the only known autographed photo of the Biblical King Solomon. Dennis Hasty, of St. Paul, says he purchased the signed photo of the smiling Ruler on eBay for a "last-second sniper bid" of $25.01. "When I saw the inscription, I knew I had to have it. Look at it! It says, 'to David.' What are the odds!"

"Where do I begin?" says dismayed paper antiquities expert Jon Ingram. "Photography was all-but-unknown in the ancient Middle East, it's signed with a modern blue "Sharpie" marker and on top of that, historians are absolutely convinced Solomon used a secretary to sign all of his fan photos. It's an obvious forgery!"

"He's just jealous he didn't find it," Hasty counters. "I've got a 'Certificate of Authenticity' and everything. I only got it so cheap because the seller had it listed wrong. Instead of listing it with Biblical Wise Men, he had it in the Three Stooges category, under 'Wise Guys.'"

7 Creative Uses For Those Old VHS Video Tapes

Okay, I guess I have to admit it. The VHS tape is history. The problem is, I still have a couple of hundred of them sitting around, just taking up space. So what can I do with those old VHS video tapes?

They’re no good for weightlifting or as paper weights, they’re too light. You can’t stand on them, they’ll break. They’re no good as insulation (no R-value) or even as a decoration (too ugly.)

My VCR still works, so I can still watch and record, but there’s a lot of them I don’t need anymore. The second hand stores won’t buy them, and even garage sale shoppers are shying away.

So what can I do with them?

After wracking my brain, here’s a few uses I’ve come up with:

They Make Great Mini-Safes. You can store valuables in the empty VHS box. Or you can hollow out the plastic tape shell (this takes work) and just throw it in a stack with your other old VHS tapes. You can store money, jewelry or whatever inside. What thief entering your home is going to start searching through your old VHS tapes?

As Building Block Toys For the Children. When I was a kid, I played with wooden blocks that you could stack and arrange into little houses and tunnels and other cool stuff. These days, you don’t need wooden blocks. Just use those old VHS tapes!

Wrap Yourself In the Tape As A Mummy Halloween Costume. Okay, I haven’t tried this, but a friend of mine once took an old 16mm film and wrapped himself up in it like “The Mummy” from those old horror films. It looked great, and I think the halloween partygoers even gave him a prize for best costume.

A “House Of Video Tape” Game. Remember that Brady Bunch episode where they built a big “House of Cards” as a contest? You can do the same with old video tapes. Of course, you’re going to need a big area because the stack will be BIG before it falls. The loser has take take home all of the tapes.

Make A Piece of Artwork Out Of Them. You’ve seen those huge, ugly sculptures made of junkyard scrap? Maybe it’s possible to craft a big stack of old VHS tapes into some sort of unique modern art form and sell it to a museum. They should glue together pretty easily. (If you do this and get a museum to pay you a couple of hundred thousand dollars, please remember who gave you the idea!)

Box Cover Wallpaper. After you’ve crafted and sold your piece of artwork with the plastic shells, you can take the empty box covers (the commercial ones that show an image of a movie or contents) and cut them up and paste them onto a wall to make some eye-catching wallpaper. I’ve seen this done with old paperback book covers and the effect is quite interesting.

As A Personal Protection Device. Okay, this one takes a bit of practice, but if you pick up a VHS tape, hold it flat and throw it hard with a good spin on it, the corner can crack somebody pretty good. (Practice on a wall, not real people.)

Additional suggestions, anyone?

14 Celebrities I Hope We Never, Ever Have To See Naked

From Paris Hilton to Britney Spears, Vanessa Hudgens to Pamela Anderson. Fake or not, those celebrity nude photos seem to be everywhere. Our sex-obsessed society can’t seem to get enough.

But there’s a breaking point. A time when someone has to stand up and say, ENOUGH! Most of the following haven’t crossed the line, yet. But who knows what someone might do for a little publicity? For the sake of all involved, please, those of you listed below, keep your clothes on!

Dr. Phil McGraw - Dr. Phil’s a levelheaded, affable guy. I don’t think we have any worries here. But just in case, if you have any private photos around, Phil, keep them private. Please.

Rosie O’Donnell - In the 1994 Flintstone’s Movie, Rosie donned a skimpy Betty Rubble dress. Shortly after the movie was released, there was a poll published somewhere in which men said they would prefer to date Betty Rubble over Wilma Flintstone. Rosie as Betty? Passable. But no more, Rosie, please. (Or in this case, no LESS.)

Donald Trump - Trump looks good in an expensive suit. He’s rarely seen in public wearing anything less. And let’s keep it that way.

Homer and Marge Simpson - We’ve seen Homer in his underwear plenty of times. But for the love of Matt Groening, let’s hope it ends there. And Marge, please stay as sweet, and as clothed, as you already are.

Britney Spears (pregnant or not.) - Welcome to the wonderful world of getting older, Britney. It’s time to take a hint from some of your more distinguished colleagues and start covering up now, before it’s REALLY too late.

Senator Ted Kennedy - Ted has an allegedly wild past. Who knows who might have pulled out a camera at one of those out-of-control all-nighters? Let’s hope the evidence is long gone.

Martha Stewart - Saturday Night Live did a skit many years ago featuring a topless Martha Stewart. The idea was very funny. The best comedy has a touch of truth. Trust us, Martha. Stick to pots, pans and gardens.

Bill and Hillary Clinton: Those allegedly candid 1998 “romantic dancing on the beach swimsuit photos” were more than enough for the world. Let’s hope nothing else ever leaks.

And while we’re at it, ANY Former First Lady - (See photo with this article. Enough said.)

Hugh Hefner - As long as he keeps that robe on, Hugh’s not looking too bad for his age. But if there’s any choice between looking at him or his current girlfriends, well...

Dog the Bounty Hunter - Dog’s led a hard life. It’s shows in his face. And that’s all we need to see, thank you.

Madonna - The former boy toy is showing less and less these days. And we’re liking it more and more.

Additional nominations, anyone?

© Copyright 2008 Loon Creative ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Shocking New Twist for CBS-TV's Survivor Franchise?

Survivor has been to China, Australia and the Fiji islands. We've had Survivor All-Stars and now it's Fans vs. Favorites. What's next for Survivor fans? Are big changes in store for the CBS-TV franchise?

In what is being touted as “the most shocking version of Survivor ever produced,” a group of network executives are preparing to unveil a twist they say will push contestants to the “absolute breaking point.”

“It will be beyond anything you’ve ever seen on reality TV,” bragged CBS Co-Executive Producer Harold Heckuba. “The challenges will make previous editions of “Survivor” look like child’s play.”

The new series, tentatively dubbed, “Suburban Survivor,“ will be set in an average American suburb. Contestants--chosen from residents of the area--will compete for a two million dollar cash prize by negotiating a series of typical suburban obstacles.

Although exact details are being kept tightly under wraps, challenges are rumored to include:

- A “Wal-Mart” themed contest in which castaways will drive a new, unmarred SUV into a crowded Wal-Mart parking lot. After dodging loose shopping carts and inattentive pedestrians, competitors will be required to find a parking spot within twenty feet of the door. Inside the store, they’ll search for sale items from a handwritten shopping list while simultaneously toting unfed, screaming babies in each arm. After paying for the items by check without I.D., contestants will fight off a gang of overzealous girl scout cookie sellers before returning the SUV to a designated starting point.

-A freeway challenge in which survivors in a Chevrolet Geo will be required to maintain the posted speed limit in the left lane of a crowded rush hour roadway while being mercilessly tailgated by an over-caffeinated truck driver with a skull and crossbones flag on his front grill, while at the same time discussing the details of a disputed charge on the their VISA card and balancing a hot jumbo Starbucks latte between their knees.

-A neighborhood contest in which challengers will be required to roller blade through the evening streets of a densely settled, upper class community while listening to an iPod programmed only with 1980’s musical hits. Obstacles along the way will include small dogs nipping at the ankles, bouncing plastic hockey pucks and a dense shroud of smoke from backyard grills

“Everything you see will be 100% real,” said Heckuba. “There will be no special effects or stunt men. This will be the ultimate in reality TV.”

Producers say they decided to offer a TWO million dollar prize, instead of the customary one million, because “In today’s suburbs, with Hummers and hot tubs and pools and everything, a million doesn’t go as far as it used to.”

Air dates have not been set.

(The above story is completely satirical. Under no circumstances should you believe a word of it.)

© Copyright 2008 Loon Creative ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Human Torch Wax Figure A Miserable Failure

As a member of Marvel Comics Fantastic Four, The Human Torch is well-known for this fantastic feats of derring-do. As a wax figure however, the Human Torch is a miserable failure.

“I guess I should have kept him as Johnny Storm, and not attempted a ‘Flame On’ version,” said noted wax figure sculptor Clyde Wellcop. “I guess I got carried away reading the comics, and thought I could somehow defy the rules of physics.”

Wellcop, of Hamilton, Ohio, is locally well-known for his many wax creations, particularly cartoon and comic book characters. In additional to Marvel characters like Spiderman and the Fantastic Four, his basement is cluttered with waxy renditions of Fred Flintstone, Speed Racer, Dudley Do-Right and even a lifesize “Urkel” from the popular 1990’s sitcom, “Family Matters.”

“Wax is the ultimate artistic tool,” Wellcop explained. “You can do so much with it. Well, except set it on fire.”

Hamilton firefighters who responded to the scene found Wellcop shaken, but okay. “He had a little singed hair but was otherwise no worse for the wear.”

Wellcop said he plans to continue sculpting in wax, but will return to less combustible characters.

© Copyright 2008 Loon Creative ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Eight Ways You Could Be A Legal Millionaire By Tomorrow - Really!

Think You Can’t Have A Million Dollars In Your Bank Account By Tomorrow? It Can Happen! Read On!

1. You may be sitting at home tonight, watching your favorite TV show, when suddenly you hear something crashing through the roof of a back bedroom. You jump up and discover that a meteorite has fallen into your house. An expert arrives and announces that this meteorite is, like many meteorites, a rare variety worth perhaps a million dollars. (Meteorites can be among the most valuable minerals on earth...and while meteorites falling into houses are rare, it has happened many times. Check Wikipedia!)

2. You could be driving to the grocery store and see a vehicle broken down alongside the road. When you stop to help the person, you discover that it’s Donald Trump. (True Story: In a January, 2005 episode of “The Apprentice,”
Trump claimed that he really did pay off the mortgage of someone who helped him alongside the road!)

3. You could receive a letter in the mail from an official government entity, telling you that you are the legal owner of a very valuable property. (Sure, there are scams of this type out there, but did you know that according to the website unclaimed.org, government agencies are safeguarding unclaimed property funds in excess of $32.8 BILLION! Is some of it yours?)

4. While driving through the neighborhood, you could stop at a garage sale and discover an old painting that turns out to be by one of the masters. (It happens more often than you think! Did you see the “60 Minutes” piece where a woman found a Jackson Pollack painting worth $50 Million?)

5. Shortly after midnight, you could hear a knock at your door and discover a bulbous-headed alien from the planet Zifron on your doorstep.
He explains that his water-vapor powered space ark has run out of fuel, and could you spare some tap water so he can get on his way? You agree, but insist he pose for a picture with you in exchange. The next morning, the National Enquirer offers you $1,000,000 for exclusive rights to the photo.

6. You could be going through some old papers left by your spouse on the top of the dresser drawer and find an uncashed lottery ticket. When you check the ticket, you discover it is a multi-million dollar winner! (Literally MILLIONS of dollars of lottery winnings go unclaimed every year.)

7. On the way to work, you are looking down changing radio stations when suddenly you veer off the road and your car hurtles over the edge of a steep cliff. Fortunately, you land harmlessly in a grove of soft pine trees. You crawl out of the car, seeking help and make your way to a nearby, nondescript building. When the door opens, you discover you’ve stumbled on to the headquarters of an international smuggling operation. You are taken hostage, but are able to a daring escape and notify police. Immediately after talking to the media, you receive a call from a Hollywood producer who offers you $1,000,000 for the movie rights to your story.

8. This evening, you create a clever humor piece (such as “Eight Ways You Could Be A Millionaire By Tomorrow (Really!)”) for Associated Content, and overnight it takes the internet by storm, garnering several hundred million hits, making you an overnight millionaire!

© Copyright 2008 Loon Creative ALL RIGHTS RESERVED