14 Celebrities I Hope We Never, Ever Have To See Naked

From Paris Hilton to Britney Spears, Vanessa Hudgens to Pamela Anderson. Fake or not, those celebrity nude photos seem to be everywhere. Our sex-obsessed society can’t seem to get enough.

But there’s a breaking point. A time when someone has to stand up and say, ENOUGH! Most of the following haven’t crossed the line, yet. But who knows what someone might do for a little publicity? For the sake of all involved, please, those of you listed below, keep your clothes on!

Dr. Phil McGraw - Dr. Phil’s a levelheaded, affable guy. I don’t think we have any worries here. But just in case, if you have any private photos around, Phil, keep them private. Please.

Rosie O’Donnell - In the 1994 Flintstone’s Movie, Rosie donned a skimpy Betty Rubble dress. Shortly after the movie was released, there was a poll published somewhere in which men said they would prefer to date Betty Rubble over Wilma Flintstone. Rosie as Betty? Passable. But no more, Rosie, please. (Or in this case, no LESS.)

Donald Trump - Trump looks good in an expensive suit. He’s rarely seen in public wearing anything less. And let’s keep it that way.

Homer and Marge Simpson - We’ve seen Homer in his underwear plenty of times. But for the love of Matt Groening, let’s hope it ends there. And Marge, please stay as sweet, and as clothed, as you already are.

Britney Spears (pregnant or not.) - Welcome to the wonderful world of getting older, Britney. It’s time to take a hint from some of your more distinguished colleagues and start covering up now, before it’s REALLY too late.

Senator Ted Kennedy - Ted has an allegedly wild past. Who knows who might have pulled out a camera at one of those out-of-control all-nighters? Let’s hope the evidence is long gone.

Martha Stewart - Saturday Night Live did a skit many years ago featuring a topless Martha Stewart. The idea was very funny. The best comedy has a touch of truth. Trust us, Martha. Stick to pots, pans and gardens.

Bill and Hillary Clinton: Those allegedly candid 1998 “romantic dancing on the beach swimsuit photos” were more than enough for the world. Let’s hope nothing else ever leaks.

And while we’re at it, ANY Former First Lady - (See photo with this article. Enough said.)

Hugh Hefner - As long as he keeps that robe on, Hugh’s not looking too bad for his age. But if there’s any choice between looking at him or his current girlfriends, well...

Dog the Bounty Hunter - Dog’s led a hard life. It’s shows in his face. And that’s all we need to see, thank you.

Madonna - The former boy toy is showing less and less these days. And we’re liking it more and more.

Additional nominations, anyone?

© Copyright 2008 Loon Creative ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Shocking New Twist for CBS-TV's Survivor Franchise?

Survivor has been to China, Australia and the Fiji islands. We've had Survivor All-Stars and now it's Fans vs. Favorites. What's next for Survivor fans? Are big changes in store for the CBS-TV franchise?

In what is being touted as “the most shocking version of Survivor ever produced,” a group of network executives are preparing to unveil a twist they say will push contestants to the “absolute breaking point.”

“It will be beyond anything you’ve ever seen on reality TV,” bragged CBS Co-Executive Producer Harold Heckuba. “The challenges will make previous editions of “Survivor” look like child’s play.”

The new series, tentatively dubbed, “Suburban Survivor,“ will be set in an average American suburb. Contestants--chosen from residents of the area--will compete for a two million dollar cash prize by negotiating a series of typical suburban obstacles.

Although exact details are being kept tightly under wraps, challenges are rumored to include:

- A “Wal-Mart” themed contest in which castaways will drive a new, unmarred SUV into a crowded Wal-Mart parking lot. After dodging loose shopping carts and inattentive pedestrians, competitors will be required to find a parking spot within twenty feet of the door. Inside the store, they’ll search for sale items from a handwritten shopping list while simultaneously toting unfed, screaming babies in each arm. After paying for the items by check without I.D., contestants will fight off a gang of overzealous girl scout cookie sellers before returning the SUV to a designated starting point.

-A freeway challenge in which survivors in a Chevrolet Geo will be required to maintain the posted speed limit in the left lane of a crowded rush hour roadway while being mercilessly tailgated by an over-caffeinated truck driver with a skull and crossbones flag on his front grill, while at the same time discussing the details of a disputed charge on the their VISA card and balancing a hot jumbo Starbucks latte between their knees.

-A neighborhood contest in which challengers will be required to roller blade through the evening streets of a densely settled, upper class community while listening to an iPod programmed only with 1980’s musical hits. Obstacles along the way will include small dogs nipping at the ankles, bouncing plastic hockey pucks and a dense shroud of smoke from backyard grills

“Everything you see will be 100% real,” said Heckuba. “There will be no special effects or stunt men. This will be the ultimate in reality TV.”

Producers say they decided to offer a TWO million dollar prize, instead of the customary one million, because “In today’s suburbs, with Hummers and hot tubs and pools and everything, a million doesn’t go as far as it used to.”

Air dates have not been set.

(The above story is completely satirical. Under no circumstances should you believe a word of it.)

© Copyright 2008 Loon Creative ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Human Torch Wax Figure A Miserable Failure

As a member of Marvel Comics Fantastic Four, The Human Torch is well-known for this fantastic feats of derring-do. As a wax figure however, the Human Torch is a miserable failure.

“I guess I should have kept him as Johnny Storm, and not attempted a ‘Flame On’ version,” said noted wax figure sculptor Clyde Wellcop. “I guess I got carried away reading the comics, and thought I could somehow defy the rules of physics.”

Wellcop, of Hamilton, Ohio, is locally well-known for his many wax creations, particularly cartoon and comic book characters. In additional to Marvel characters like Spiderman and the Fantastic Four, his basement is cluttered with waxy renditions of Fred Flintstone, Speed Racer, Dudley Do-Right and even a lifesize “Urkel” from the popular 1990’s sitcom, “Family Matters.”

“Wax is the ultimate artistic tool,” Wellcop explained. “You can do so much with it. Well, except set it on fire.”

Hamilton firefighters who responded to the scene found Wellcop shaken, but okay. “He had a little singed hair but was otherwise no worse for the wear.”

Wellcop said he plans to continue sculpting in wax, but will return to less combustible characters.

© Copyright 2008 Loon Creative ALL RIGHTS RESERVED